ⓣⓔⓧⓣⓤⓡⓔ ⓜⓐⓖⓐⓩⓘⓝⓔ

On the deeper meaning of cereal

A meditation on the true nature
of the contents of your breakfast bowl

by Kevin Stebner

Kevin Stebner holding Apple Jacks in Korea.

Fruit Loops

An adulation of hedonism. Of all the ways in which a cereal could encourage, Fruit Loops promote one to “Just follow your nose.” In essence, they are encouraging you merely to follow the basest animal instincts ingrained within you. Not only do Fruit Loops discourage following of logic or reason (follow your head), but they also demand you should not attempt to follow your dreams (follow your heart). Fruit Loops desire de-evolution.

Mini-Wheats

Essentially the cereal for the weekend warrior. All the pragmatism of the plain old wheat side coupled with the “fun-loving” frosted side: the Mini-Wheat attempts to have its cake and eat it. While it may appear that Mini-Wheats embody a duality within us all, a sort of ying and yang, the truth is the frosting is merely a sugar coating (a pun, yes, but true) over the otherwise thick and bland cube of wheat. Dig even slightly beyond the frosting and you realize the frosting is merely skin deep, it is not a true half, but a mere show. Mini-Wheats are the cereal equivalent of all those fleece-wearing business tycoons who seem to believe that working 9-5 hasn’t broken them, that they haven’t sold out. They may party on the weekend, but they still have to get up early on Monday.

Apple Jacks

The most Zen of cereals. Early on, Apple Jacks was marketed as an apple flavoured cereal, but of course, upon eating them, one realises that they simply do not taste anything even resembling apples. Yet, Apple Jacks accepted its fate — one does not need to taste of apples to be an Apple Jack — and simply became what it is. When the ’90s slacker kids are asked why they like Apple Jacks, since they do not taste like apples, the kids respond with “We just do” echoing the Zen mantra of “Just be.” Thus aligning itself with such sentiment, Apple Jacks not only gives legitimacy to slacker culture, but also steps outside the need to explain its very existence. Apple Jacks simply are.

Corn Pops

Representing the mythos and complications between the two nations of Canada and the United States, wherein the Corn Pop of the United States take on the more pragmatic form of the corn kernel, whereas the Corn Pop of Canada assumes the more idealist shape of the bubble or “pop.” The Corn Pop of Canada strives for the ideal, eschewing more seemingly ‘real’ representation, almost a more utopic and peaceful, though also the more fragile nature of the pop itself. In striving for the Pops — as the slogan goes: “Just gotta have my Pops” — one exemplifies a very determined and focused mindset, and a very TCB-like attitude of getting things done. In doing so, one just may attain the unattainable. Corn Pops encourage this determination and stick-to-it-iveness of the Canadian dream.

Frosted Flakes

The cereal for jocks, wherein the tiger is often represented playing street hockey or competing in any manner of ‘extreme’ activities. Much like Ali claimed he was “the greatest,” so too do Frosted Flakes. Is the greatness of Frosted Flakes without question, or is it simply that it is attempting to will itself so? The slogan is a far cry from the quiet confidence of other cereals. In the statement “They’re grrrreat!” the cereal refers to itself in the third person — almost always a sure sign of douchebagery. Underneath all the talk, these are merely Corn Flakes. The self-aggrandizing over-compensates for itself; it is merely a cover-up, much like the frost upon its very flakes.

Lucky Charms

Indicative of the influx of New Age thinking into modern culture. Almost as if the collection of blue moons or clovers could actually stave off bad luck, so too will the marshmallow ‘charms’ of this cereal fail to deliver and therefore leave one feeling dejected and misguided. The mythic creature of the leprechaun offers little assurance as his very existence is unlikely to be believed. The actual substance of the marshmallow is indicative of belief in actual charms. There is little nourishment here.

Life

An affirmation of the fleetingness of life itself. Even in mention of ‘life,’ the other side of the coin, ‘death’, is not far behind. When one cracks open a box, the time the cereal lasts is but a short while. One may soon come to the end of the cereal in the box — a literal end to ‘Life.’ Thus, it eschews a “Carpe Diem” philosophy. Life is aware of its short shelf life in one’s pantry, and knows how every spoonful of life, both literally and figuratively, must be savoured. Gather ye box-tops while ye may.