Words: Anthony Hansen
Track One: “My Own Cobain” by Limp Bizkit
One fine day, myself and two other Texture writers (J.R. Cumming and Texture head honcho Jesse Locke) attempted to relive the most misguided days of our youth by putting on Limp Bizkit’s Greatest Hits. It didn’t work. Though good for an unintentional guffaw or two, it seems Limp Bizkit weren’t just one in an endless parade of shitty bands designed to capitalize on teen angst — they were a product of a very specific time and place, brazen bandwagon-jumpers whose sound defined an era we’ve all worked very hard to forget. And yet, here’s Fred Durst, dragging his knuckles into the 21st century with a song about… feeling like… Kurt Cobain? Seriously? Why, that’s almost as bad as…
Track Two: “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Miley Cyrus
“FUCK YOU, DADDY!”
Track Three: “Edge Of Glory” by Lady Gaga
To everyone who ever pinned their hopes for the future of pop music on this woman, you fucking take that back. Right. Now. Not only does “Edge Of Glory” sound like the kind of tepid pablum you’d hear at a Céline Dion concert, it’s sadly representative of the horrifying tackiness that’s come to define and ultimately overwhelm Lady Gaga’s aesthetic. This is not to imply that I have a problem with kitschiness (I am a B-52’s fan, after all), it’s just that I can’t shake the nagging suspicion that it’s all in the service of one big desperate cry for attention, a temper tantrum thrown at a world that can and will never care enough. “Well, that’s what all pop stars do anyway!” I can hear you braying indignantly. OK, fair. But did I mention this song has a saxophone solo? Because it does.
Track Four: “Fireworks” by Katy Perry
Of course, if I’m gonna take potshots at Lady Gaga, it’s only fair that I should bash Katy Perry as well, seeing as the two seem to be neck-and-neck in their race for Top-40-queen omniscience. I know in my heart that I should probably like Lady Gaga more. After all, Lady Gaga actually has something resembling artistic credibility whereas Katy Perry’s songs aspire to be nothing more than trashy Top 40 fodder… but I’m not sure I buy that. I think there’s an art to crafting fun, simple, perfectly disposable pop songs that’s often lost on those who look to music solely for Big Statements and New Ideas.
Unfortunately, this song is dogshit and Katy Perry’s voice sounds like a defective car alarm.
Track Five: “Leck Mich Im Arsch” by Insane Clown Posse w/ Jack White and JEFF The Brotherhood
HA HA HA HA HA. WHERE’S YOUR MESSIAH NOW, WHITE STRIPES FANS???
Track Six: “Swagger Jagger” by Cher Lloyd
This is the only song I had to actually research before I wrote this list, and as someone who now knows more about this song than I know about some of my own neighbours: it wasn’t worth it. Nothing is worth anything anymore.
Track Seven: “Stereo Hearts” by Gym Class Heroes w/ Adam Levine
Business as usual. Adam Levine sings like he just unhooked his jaw to swallow a pile of gym socks.
Track Eight: “Profundis” by Morbid Angel
“Hear that, kids? That’s what your dad thinks all metal bands sound like. Now put on some Dire Straits or GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE.”
Track Nine: “Breakin’ A Sweat” by Skrillex w/ The Doors
Before I get to the year’s most infamous cross-cultural trainwreck, here’s something that might be even worse. Ray Manzarek has been doing his damnedest to sully The Doors’ legacy for well over 40 years now (Jesus), but working with Skrillex represents a leap in logic so convoluted it actually defies human comprehension. The worst part is that Skrillex’s production is actually not too shabby, it’s just that Manzarek’s constant spoken interjections posit this somewhere between running into your dad at a rave and watching a senile old dog try to hump an electric fence.
Track Ten: “The View” by Metallica w/ Lou Reed
Well, this was kind of inevitable, wasn’t it? It’s not every year that you get to witness a musical disaster of such epic proportions. And yet, I’d like to take this opportunity to point out something that I think no other reviewer has touched on, namely: Lulu sounds exactly like an early Swans album.
If Swans were terrible.